If you are in need of an easy, quick laugh, then give a child a telephone with a rotary dial. In all seriousness, a blast from the past is sometimes necessary for a few different reasons. First of all, it is hysterical. Have you watched that child try to figure that thing out yet? Go ahead and tell them it’s a phone, and watch their face morph into a confused daze.
Just like that child will not know half of the things you played with when you were young, there are so many toys and fads from before your time that will leave you in shock and awe. In fact, sometimes it is downright terrifying to see some of the things our parents and grandparents played with.
These beauty products and fads from the past are no exception. Feast your eyes on these, and be glad you belong in the 21st century.
1. Behold, The Nose Harness
Up first there is this lovely contraption that looks like a cross between a nose brace and the mask of Bane in the Batman movies. The nose harness is made up of a cup that sits over the nose, and then attaches using three bands to wrap around the face.
Supposedly, this wonderful contraption would work to press the nose down to become flatter. So, if you don’t want to have a large beak of a nose, then strap this nose harness on and go for the ride. That is, if you don’t mind looking like your face wants to become involved in some S&M action, that is.
This nose harness contraption is only the beginning. These bizarre beauty blasts from the past only get more interesting and bizarre.
2. The Chin Reducer
Truth be told. No one likes a double chin. So naturally, people will go to extreme measures to ensure that they do not possess double chin. Anyone looking to prevent or lessen the appearance of his or her double chin can always brush the dust off of a good old chin reducer. The chin reducer looks like something that Pinocchio should have been wearing.
This contraption has beads that sit just under the chin and extend up to the ears, and then a harness is attached over the head. One can tighten the beads under the chin with the two cords that levy against the harness.
Simply “pull the cords,” just like the old advertisement says. However, you might not want to pull too tightly since, you know, there are glands up there and all. At least this contraption allows you to control the amount of pain you are in. This next whacked out beauty contraption from the ancient times just looks like imminent pain altogether.
3. The Dimple Machine
Everyone loves a cute pair of dimples, right? Shirley Temple and so many more sported these adorable little indents in the cheeks. At one point in time, everyone wanted dimples like Shirley. They are a mark of beauty.
In fact, some people wanted dimples so badly that they would use a dimple machine. This contraption consisted of wire that would wrap around the head, resting underneath the chin and inward pressing down where the dimples should go.
The wire would squeeze right where the top row of teeth stopped, thus physically imprinting dimples.
Unfortunately, you might have some scars to accompany your newly acquired dimples.Perhaps this is where the age old phrase, “Pride feels no pain,” originated.
4. The Beauty Micrometer
This beauty product sounds much more well thought out and put together than the rest. However, the sight of it would probably give you nightmares. It was known as early as the 1800’s that the ideal face required a set of measurements. In order to determine where your face was lacking in the proven formula of facial features, you could use the beauty micrometer to measure your entire face at once.
This sounds ideal, until of course you have this giant casing around and close in over your entire face. Perhaps it is more helpful to imagine having a human-sized Venus fly trap enclosed around your entire face. There you go, now that doesn’t sound so lovely, does it?
Many claim that this beauty product was not painful, and it appears much more drastic than it actually was. Thankfully they are not around anymore for anyone to find out. In case the beauty micrometer found out that some of your face was a little too, well, plump, there was always the suction beauty contraption to help you out.
5. The Suction Contraption
Well doesn’t this blast from the past sound like something that belongs in Fifty Shades of Grey? For anyone who wanted their face to have a little less fat, they could always consult the help of the suction contraption.
Perhaps, this is the age-old predecessor to liposuction, since this contraption consists of a vacuum. The vacuum works to literally suck the spots and imperfections from the face.
The polls are still determining the validity behind this practice. But, this next bizarre beauty practice from the oldies has some scientific backing.
6. The Glamour Bonnet
Ah, this beauty practice sounds much more logical and lovely. Don’t get your hopes up, because it’s not. The glamour bonnet sought to improve women’s complexion. In the past, pale skin was synonymous with beauty. For any woman who caught a little too much sun, the glamour bonnet could help.
The bonnet looks like a hat bag, but it covers the entire face. The bonnet then works to reduce the air pressure within the bonnet. The reduction of air pressure would then cause an increase in blood circulation. Since the person in the bonnet would be relatively close to passing out, their skin would appear quite pale.
It was only said that there was scientific backing behind the logic, not that the logic made sense or anything.This next beauty practice utilizes the same concept of the glamour bonnet, but adds its own little twist.
7. The Beautifying Heat Mask
In the 1940’s, women wanted pale skin. Similarly to the beauty bonnet, women could achieve such skin by increasing their blood circulation.
The beautifying heat mask would do just that in the form of heat. Women would simply put the mask on and crank the heat up. That’s right. This is basically a heating pad fit to the face.
This beauty product is so crazy it just might work. But, you also run the risk of insane facial sweat and, of course, catching on fire is never pleasant.
If heat is not exactly your thing, this vintage beauty product helped to cool it down a bit.
8. The Facial Ice Pack
Possibly, after some application of the beautifying heat mask, women would cool down by using the facial ice pack. This product sounds like it would work, but the sheer aesthetic simply ruins any logic behind it at all. The facial ice pack consisted of a mask with ice cube structures sticking out.
Before using, a woman would fill the plastic cubes with water and then freeze them. Then, she would simply put the mask on and enjoy her face freezing off. There are actually some beauty treatments today that utilize cold compression. But, this one just looks like so much more fun.
Speaking of fun appearances, this freckle-proof cape had the ability to make any plain Jane look like a hooded bandit.
9. The Freckle-Proof Cape
Thankfully, freckles are much more appealing in this day and age, because no one would want to be caught in this freckle-proof cape. Not to mention, it makes absolutely no sense. The freckle proof cape looks just as it sounds.
It is literally a cape with a hood. Since, you don’t want freckles, why not just cover up. But, this is the best part: it didn’t cover the legs.
So, not only do you get to look like a ghost running around the pool in your freckle cape, you also get to boast freckles on your legs. Way to go, inventors of this fantastic vintage beauty product. Maybe you have never wanted to look like a ghost. But, if the medusa appearance was on your list, then this next beauty product is just for you.
10. The Tentacle Curls
Curls were all the rage back in the 20th century. Women craved those tightly wound tentacle curls, and this beauty product offered them a way to have these beloved curls.
Any salon housed this wonderful contraption. The tentacle curler starts with a chandelier-type awning, which then extends to tons of different clamps. The beautician would then wind the curls up, and clamp them down. The woman would then have to sit with this medusa looking contraption on her head until the curlers cooled down. At least the logic behind this vintage beauty practice wasn’t too far off; however, you can’t say the same about this last one.
11. The Breathing Balloon
After the great depression, the hourglass figure became all the rage. Gone were those who yearned for thin flappers, and in were the curvaceous buxom women. Professionals recommend the breathing balloon to any woman who was looking to have a curvy figure.
Just as it sounds, this breathing balloon simply consisted of, well, a balloon with a tube. The belief was that the more you pumped up this balloon with your breath, the more your curves would pump up.
Unfortunately the only thing that women did experience was light-headedness and enlarged bellies. What will the future generations have to say about the beauty products of today’s market?
These products work to effectively rid you of age spots, freckles, moles, and even lessen the appearance of wrinkles. Certainly, that’s more than the freckle proof cape ever did for the women who tried it.
Ensure that your beauty practices are not laughed at,either now or in the future. Stick to those that are safe and natural, and keep chuckling at these vintage contraptions.